


because you don't know (what it means to me)

by asideofourown



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Didn't Know They Were Dating, Don't copy to another site, First Kiss, Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Oblivious Crowley (Good Omens), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-10-11
Packaged: 2020-11-08 07:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20831528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asideofourown/pseuds/asideofourown
Summary: “Hey, Aziraphale,” Crowley said, and Aziraphale hated (loved) the way that low voice sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.  “Angel.  You should kiss me, since you’re apparently so experienced.  Just so I know what it's like.”Aziraphale’s breath caught in his throat.  “I… I don’t know if that would be the best idea,” he said softly, avoiding Crowley’s eyes and fixing his attention on the wooden grain of the table.I’m in love with you,he couldn’t say.I’ve been in love with you for decades, centuries, and knowing what it would be like to kiss you while knowing it’s something I can’t ever have would just make everything worse.[After the Apocalypse, Aziraphale and Crowley finally kiss]





	because you don't know (what it means to me)

**Author's Note:**

> I've already written about oblivious pining Crowley, so it's only proper that I also write about oblivious pining Aziraphale :')
> 
> Title from Queen's [Love Of My Life](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUJkCXE4sAA), which I listened to on a loop while writing this.
> 
> Enjoy!

It happened when Aziraphale and Crowley were tipsy, as was often the case with the more off-the-wall things they got up to together.

They were sitting side by side on the couch in Aziraphale’s back room, Aziraphale working through a bottle of wine while Crowley nursed a shot of whiskey, when Crowley said thoughtfully, “You know, for all my time on Earth, I’ve never kissed anyone.”

Aziraphale inhaled his mouthful of wine, and Crowley patted him on the back until he stopped coughing and managed to say with truly unconvincing nonchalance, “Oh?”

“Nope,” Crowley replied, popping the ‘p’, and Aziraphale took a large gulp of alcohol.He needed to be _far_ more drunk for this conversation.

“Ah, I wouldn’t necessarily have guessed,” he managed to say.“I thought seduction was part of your whole…”He trailed off, waving a hand to indicate Crowley’s _everything._

Crowley shrugged, taking a tiny sip of his whiskey.“I guess,” he said thoughtfully.“Object was, was to tempt the humans into doing things.I never got… involved.Never had a _human_ I particularly wanted to be involved with.”

He shrugged again, suddenly looking a little embarrassed, but he was gazing at Aziraphale as though that were supposed to be particularly significant.He had taken his sunglasses off when he had first come in, so Aziraphale could see his golden eyes perfectly as they slid to stare fixedly at his lips. “Don’t even know if I’d like kissing, honestly,” Crowley added, and now Aziraphale could tell that he was very clearly angling for something.

Crowley’s eyes darted up to meet his, and he asked, “Have you ever…”

Aziraphale swallowed hard, took a drink to give himself a moment to collect his thoughts.“Well,” he said, and apparently that was enough.

Crowley whooped, draining his drink and all but slamming his glass down on the table, grinning.“_Really,_ angel!Scandalous!”

“Oh, must you be so difficult,” Aziraphale said crossly.

“When?” Crowley asked curiously, his eyes shining as he leaned forward.

Aziraphale’s heart skipped a beat, and he took a steadying breath to make sure his voice was perfectly level before he answered.“Well, in the 1880s, when you were _sleeping,_ I made some… friends.At a gentlemen’s club down on Portland Place.Kissing is part of the gavotte, you know.”

Crowley wolf-whistled obnoxiously.“Huh,” he said, resting his chin in his hands, his gaze unwavering.Aziraphale felt himself blush, and distracted himself by refilling his wine glass.

“Hey, Aziraphale,” Crowley said, and Aziraphale hated (loved) the way that low voice sent a pleasant shiver down his spine.“Angel.You should kiss me, since you’re apparently so experienced.Just so I know what it's like. To know what all those humans go so gaga for.”

Aziraphale’s breath caught in his throat.“I… I don’t know if that would be the best idea,” he said softly, avoiding Crowley’s eyes and fixing his attention on the wooden grain of the table._I’m in love with you,_ he couldn’t say._I’ve been in love with you for decades, centuries, and knowing what it would be like to kiss you while knowing it’s something I can’t ever have would just make everything worse._

“C’mon, angel,” Crowley wheedled, scooting a little closer.

“You’re drunk, Crowley,” Aziraphale said disapprovingly.

Crowley made a pained noise, and then the whiskey bottle on the table found itself full again.“Nah, I’m not,” he said.Aziraphale followed suit, and still avoided Crowley’s eyes.

“Now that we’re sober,” Crowley said softly.His voice turned gentle as he said, “You can say no, angel, I won’t push you.I just, after the apocalypse and everything, I’ve been thinking a lot— thinking, I mean, about all the things I almost didn’t get the chance to do, the people I almost didn’t get to do them _with_— and now that Heaven and Hell aren’t up our asses anymore, I thought maybe, maybe we're on the same page—”He shrugged helplessly.

Aziraphale exhaled a little shakily.“I—”

Crowley touched his arm, gentle, and Aziraphale leaned into the touch with a soft sigh.Crowley’s arm crept up around to Aziraphale’s shoulder before pulling him close, and Aziraphale couldn’t find it in himself to resist the temptation of everything he had ever wanted.He leaned against Crowley’s side, closing his eyes for just a moment.

“My dear,” he sighed tiredly.“Isn’t there anyone you’d rather kiss?”

“Not really,” Crowley said.His hand rubbed up and down Aziraphale’s arm as they basically cuddled, a surprisingly soothing rhythm.“You’re my best friend, angel, here’s no one else I would want.” He hesitated. "But we don't have to, I promise it's alright—"

Aziraphale’s heart panged at that, even though he knew friendship was the best he would ever get with Crowley, but it was a familiar pain.“Fine, let's do it,” he whispered, knowing that it was a terrible, horrible idea to get his hopes up just to promptly have them dashed.Also knowing that there wasn’t anything in the world he wouldn’t give Crowley.

He reached out and set his wine on the table beside Crowley’s empty shot glass, and then shifted on the couch so they were facing each other.Crowley’s eyes were wider than normal, his pupils a little blown as he gazed at Aziraphale.“How should we—” he started.

Aziraphale carefully cupped his face in both hands and then leaned in and kissed him.Crowley made a surprised noise against his lips and then his hands tentatively came to land on Aziraphale’s shoulders, one sliding down to rest gently against his waist.

Crowley hadn’t been lying— he clearly wasn’t very experienced at kissing, and it took a moment or two for him to get used to it— but that didn’t change the fact that Aziraphale was completely and utterly _fucked._Crowley’s lips were surprisingly soft, the slight stubble on his cheeks rough under Aziraphale’s fingers, and the muffled, sweet noises he made as Aziraphale kissed him would probably haunt his every smitten daydream for the rest of eternity.

After a long moment of tender, close-mouthed kissing, Aziraphale pulled back.Crowley stared at him with an achingly unreadable expression on his face, his mouth slightly open.

Aziraphale realized he was still cupping his friend’s face in his palms, and quickly let his hands drop into his lap.He was sure he was bright red, and he almost felt like he wanted to cry.His heart hurt, tearing itself apart behind his ribcage even as his lips tingled with the echo of Crowley’s kiss.“So,” he said softly, lacing his fingers together so they wouldn’t tremble.“What did you think?”

Crowley gulped audibly and clicked his fingers, refilling his shot glass and downing it in one go.“Ngh.Good,” he finally said, and laughed a little.“Uh.Great.Um.Definitely gonna have to try that again sometime._Wow_.”He raked his fingers through his hair, making it stand up in front, and grinned widely.

Aziraphale took a deep breath, closed his eyes again as he let it out.“I think perhaps you ought to go,” he said very quietly.“It’s getting late, you have a drive—“

“Mayfair is five minutes away how I drive,” Crowley said, sounding puzzled, and then he sighed.“Alright, yeah.OK.”He slapped both hands on his thighs before getting up.“I’ll see you Wednesday?” he said, grabbing his glasses but not putting them on yet.“We still have lunch plans, right?”

“Right,” Aziraphale whispered.

Crowley gave him a lopsided smile.“Sounds good,” he said, and then leaned down and gave Aziraphale a small kiss on the lips, little more than a peck.“See you then, angel.”Aziraphale gaped at him as he slid his sunglasses on and lifted one hand in a wave before sauntering out.

Aziraphale felt his heart break just a little bit more as he watched his best friend and the love of his life leave.He stood after a long moment and busied himself with cleaning up their drinks in the hopes of forgetting what had happened, forgetting the way that that kiss meant nothing to Crowley and everything to Aziraphale.

And that would have been the end of it, at least outside of Aziraphale’s pathetic, pining daydreams.

Except Crowley _kept_ kissing him.

He seemed to take their first platonic kiss as an open invitation to keep doing it, despite the fact that he _had_ to know casual kissing wasn’t something that often happened between friends.The next Wednesday after that _blasted_ kiss, when Crowley had come to pick him up for lunch he had greeted Aziraphale with a kiss that would have been shy and sweet if not for the teasing grin that followed it.

It kept happening— not every time they met, of course, six thousand years of pretending they didn’t even like each other created a lot of habits that were difficult to break— but often enough that Aziraphale found himself almost expecting it every time they met up.

And with each kiss, each taste of something that he knew he could never really have in the way his heart ached for, each reminder that Crowley could not ever love him in the way he was loved (and it wasn’t his fault that demons couldn't love, it _wasn’t_, Aziraphale didn’t blame him for a minute, but that didn’t make his unrequited feelings hurt any less), Aziraphale’s heart broke a little more.He would almost think Crowley cruel, for teasing him with the scraps of a relationship that could never be, but he knew that Crowley wasn’t cruel at heart, demon or not.

Besides… there was no way Crowley could know.There was no way Crowley could know how Aziraphale felt about him, no way he could know how much Aziraphale pined for him.Aziraphale had never told him, after all.It wouldn’t be fair to demand of Crowley something he simply couldn’t give. Anyway, their friendship was so, so important, not worth the risk of losing just because Aziraphale had been stupid enough to fall in love.And so Aziraphale pined, and treasured each friendly kiss Crowley gave him with fervent longing.

After they started kissing regularly, Crowley started doing _other_ things as well.Whether it was a hand on Aziraphale’s shoulder as he got into the car, or linked fingers as they walked together in the park, or a hug before he went off for a nap, their friendship became that much more tactile.

Of course, Crowley always asked first before initiating something new, reluctantly nice demon that he was, and Aziraphale was greedy and weak enough to eagerly accept any affection he was given.Which is why he found himself, a good several months after they started kissing, with a demon on his arm as they attended together a party thrown by Anathema Device to celebrate the anniversary of the averted Armageddon. 

The party was relatively small, and a bit mismatched— all of the Them had come, with their slightly baffled parents, as well as Shadwell and Madame Tracy up from London— but everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves despite having only a near disaster in common. 

Aziraphale stood off to one side with Tracy and Anathema, sipping a cup of punch and watching fondly as Crowley tried to show Newton something on his phone a little ways away. Aziraphale was out of earshot, but he could tell Crowley was getting frustrated with the way his phone fritzed out every time Newt got too close. Tracy followed his gaze, and then asked with a conspiratorial smile, “So, how long have you and your young man been together?” 

Aziraphale didn’t bother to correct her on the fact that ‘young’ was in no way an accurate descriptor for Crowley— he was too busy trying not to choke on his punch. “We’re— we’re not together,” he finally managed to admit. 

“But I saw you kissing earlier,” Anathema said with a frown. 

Aziraphale shrugged. “It’s platonic,” he said, every word like a rusty dagger against his heart. “I think he likes the practice. He wasn’t all that good at kissing before we started, you know. It doesn’t mean anything.” 

Tracy stared at him. “But you were in my head, I could _hear_ your love for him,” she argued. “Down to your atoms!” 

Aziraphale took a long breath, let it out in a not-sigh. “I do love him,” he whispered. “Rather a lot, actually. He’s... he’s the best thing in my world. But he doesn’t love _me_. I’m used to it,” he added hurriedly, seeing the stricken looks on Tracy and Anathema’s faces. “I’ve never expected him to, I know he can’t, I’m just an old fool—” 

“Bullshit,” Anathema interrupted, her jaw clenching. 

Aziraphale blinked. “Pardon?” 

“I can see auras,” Anathema said quickly. “And Crowley’s might as well turn into a cloud of hearts whenever he looks at you. Oh my god, he’s so in love with you it’s almost obnoxious.” 

Aziraphale stared at her, speechless, and then slowly glanced over at Crowley. As if sensing his attention the demon looked up, and then waved with a smile. He said something to Newt and then strolled over, thumbs hooked in his belt loops. “Hey, angel,” he said with a crooked grin, glancing over his shoulder at the rest of the party. “I think this is starting to wind down, ready to head out soon? We could probably get back in time for dinner, I think the Ritz will find that it has a miraculously open table for two in an hour.” He let his sunglasses slide down the bridge of his nose a little before winking. 

“Oh,” Aziraphale said faintly, and for the first time in decades something almost like hope sparked delicately in his chest. 

Crowley frowned at him. “You alright, Aziraphale?” he asked, taking Aziraphale’s free hand. “You look a little pale.” 

Anathema slapped him on the shoulder, harder than necessary. “I’m sure he’s fine,” she said with an almost threatening weight to her words. “You two should get going, though, I’m sure you have plenty to talk about.” 

“Uh, sure,” Crowley said, perplexed, and then shook his head. “Right. Well. Maybe we’ll see you around.” He pointed at Anathema. “Tell your boyfriend to never get a mobile.” 

“Noted,” Anathema laughed. “Drive safe.” 

“Quite,” Aziraphale murmured, and let Crowley lead him away. 

As they walked down the garden path to where they had parked, Crowley slipped an arm around Aziraphale’s waist. “Are you sure you’re alright,” he said slowly. “You look off.” 

“Um, fine,” Aziraphale mumbled, unable to look at him. And then before he could stop himself, he blurted, “Crowley, are we together?” 

Crowley blinked, glanced significantly at the negligible space between them. “Uh, yeah?” he said as they reached the car, and let go of Aziraphale to turn and face him, leaning casually against the passenger's side door. 

“No,” Aziraphale said desperately. “I mean, _together_. As in, dating. In a relationship.” He flushed with shame, opened his mouth to take back everything he had just said, but the expression on Crowley's face froze his words in his throat. 

Crowley stared at him. “...Yeah?” 

Aziraphale’s jaw dropped. “What?” he squeaked. “Since when?” 

Crowley whipped off his sunglasses, tucked them into the collar of his shirt. “Aziraphale, what in bloody Hell are you on about?” he said tersely. “What do you mean, _since when_?” 

“I didn’t realize,” Aziraphale whispered. 

Crowley stared at him incredulously. “I call you angel all the time,” he said. 

“It’s my job description!” 

“We’ve been kissing each other for eight months!” 

“I thought you wanted the practice! And that it was platonic!” 

“I introduce you as my partner all the time!” 

“The Arrangement— I thought you meant business partner, or partner in crime—” 

“Aziraphale, for Somebody’s sake, can’t you sense love?” Crowley exclaimed, and then threw his arms out wide. “Can’t you tell that I love you?” 

Aziraphale stared at him wide-eyed. And then slowly, slowly, became aware that what he had believed for centuries to be useless feedback from his own overwhelming love was really coming from... Crowley. It rolled off him in steady, certain waves, twining around everything and glowing warm like sunlight, shining as bright and constant as the stars and reaching as deep and wide as the sea. 

“Oh,” Aziraphale breathed as a whole new world of possibilities opened up to him Oh_,_ he had been _so_ _wrong_ about Crowley's capacity to love, and it was quite possibly the best news he had ever gotten. He stepped forward tentatively, into Crowley’s space. “Oh, my dear.” 

Crowley’s arms slowly lifted, circled uncertainly around him. “Is this still alright?” 

Aziraphale wrapped him in a tight hug. “I love you too, Crowley,” he whispered, his eyes watering a little. “And I’ve been a dreadful fool for not saying so earlier.” 

Crowley squeezed him back, and being in his arms felt like coming home. “‘S’kay, angel,” Crowley murmured. “Figure we have quite a while to catch up, now that we’re finally going the same speed.” 

Aziraphale pulled back just slightly, just enough to see Crowley’s face, truly understand the love in his beautiful eyes. “Let’s start now,” he whispered, and then leaned in and kissed him sweetly as if for the first time. He knew they'd have to talk later, properly talk about everything but now...

Kissing was _so_ much better, now that he knew how much it meant to both of them. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm [here](https://asideofourown.tumblr.com/) if that's something you're into


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